Crazy Horse

By Shimatoree

I  have been asked  as to why I  am using my blog for the issues having to do with the injustice towards women ?

The answer to that question lies in the screams of all those young girls who had to be the ceremonial sacrificial objects since times immeorial.

If the Nile did not flood , sacrifice the most beautiful girl and whamo- the Nile floods !

If there is a volcanic eruption – let us stop it by throwing a beautiful girl into it as it wants sacrifice !

And in ancient West Asia, young girls were burried alive next to their dead fathers as a sacrifice to the gods and goddesses of the tribes !

 

But on to Arranged Marriage for now.

It is said that a society should be judged by how it treats it’s weak and downtrodden.

It is also said that the customs of marriage tell a lot about the functioning of a society and the ethics that are prevalent in it’s every day functioning.

The institution of arranged marriage if it can be called that not only deals with the downtrodden  and the weak but also helps create them to some extent.

There are the intrigues , deceptions and machinations that one sees in political wheeling and deal are practiced in arranged marriages to the Nth degree .

And they are done by those that say they are only there to help prevent marital problems in the future.

So we will look into this matter with the idea to throw whatever limited light on a subject, which has not been examined in a public forum such as this.

In Pakistan and in India the custom of parents arranging the marriage of their children is the norm.

And this norm is imposed in a most ruthless fashion on the youth when they become of  marriageable age .

If you have any doubts just ask a young person who has tried to go against it.

It is said- (by the parents and the defenders of this system)- that the young people are better off in this system, which is supposed to be guided by the objectivity , foresight, experience and the wisdom of the older generation. The older generation is supposed to be UN-BIASED .

The selection is supposed to be made objectively and without  the emotions that infect the young; that it is without  the influence of the hormonal upsurges of the young.

This  might be true some where some time but is obviously not quite the case as this whole exercise is about power – even if it means power over their own children and their future lives.

We will try to look at all aspects of this most  interesting and intriguing phenomenon.

We shall do this by discussing the anatomy- (supposed planning and structure etc) and the physiology- (how it works or does not work in real life both in the short term and the long term)-.

We shall also use a few brief CASE reports to illustrate the real stories of individuals –( both male and female)-who have gone through this process and their perspectives after the fact.

Well, the social milieu is constantly changing and evolving for the immigrant community- (in Europe and North America)- where large groups of people –( from South Asia)-have been placed in what can best be described as an alien environment.

It was as though a group of people have been moved forward in time –( and in space)-while retaining all there past habits and customs. There is reluctance on the part of everyone to change and esp.: so in such profound issues such as the methodology of choosing your partner for life.

In the days gone by when most people lived in villages the immediate family arranged the marriage of a young boy or a girl. The young boy and girl knew each other since village community was small. Because of the issue of ownership of land the emphasis was on finding a mate for your son or daughter, which would not cause problems, having to do with possible division of land and property. That is why you always wanted your son to be married to the daughter from the boy’s mother’s family and so on. This tradition still prevails in the tribes of Northwest Pakistan even though quite a lot of these people have shifted to the urban areas.

In the cities let us examine how the boy’s family goes about finding a mate for their son.

They let it be known that they are in the “ market” for the purpose. The friends and the “ barbers” etc provide the information about potential “ brides” and a process of examination starts.

Now a days , the frequent use of the Ads in the newspapers and web sites is being made  by placing WANT Ads

They check the family of the girl first as to the class , the tribe; religious back ground, wealth status etc.  The mother and the sisters of the boy go and check out the  girl and her family.

This is how they go about finding the ideal bride for their son.

Is she meek and submissive ?

(The first quality mentioned here is not by accident. I have interviewed many families and THAT is the most sought after quality in a potential bride. When asked as to why, the answer without fail is- “ it helps in promoting a good and peaceful environment in marriage”.)

Is she good looking?

Is she well educated?

Is she a nice and polite person?

Is she conservative in her attire and manners etc?

Is she a good cook?

After this preliminary investigation- assuming they like the girl they go to the next stage where they find out through their “ sources” about the menstrual cycle of the girl and as to what sort of moods and temperaments she has while in this stressed phase of her life. They do that because they think that a properly menstruating girl has a good chance to produce offspring.

After the girl has been cleared after all this investigation, then a formal proposal is made to the girl’s family and her hand is asked. This might be simply in the form of a request to the girl’s parents or a meeting of the two protagonists is arranged either at home or at a restaurant or such place. This is the second filter-( so to say) that is applied to get the right person to qualify.

Either at this stage or earlier  the investigation of the boy and his family is started by the girl’s family. They obviously want to know about the boy himself, his character, his temperament and his profession and his ability to make a living after being married.

In different parts of Pakistan this part of the scrutiny is done in a different manner.

In the NWFP- ( Pushtoons) the girl’s family is usually in the dominant position and the boy’s family has to provide everything in terms of dowry and expenses for the wedding and sometimes to the well known practice of having to pay “ BRIDE PRICE”.

In Punjab and other parts of Pakistan-( and in India)- it appears to be the other way around where the boy’s family is in a dominant position where the girl’s family provides the dowry and marriage expenses etc.

Once the basic agreement to have such a marriage is made- then a lot can happen.

What sort of things happens?

Try to imagine negotiations between political parties and their leaders. Go betweens are utilized to the maximum to extract concessions-( usually from the girl’s family but can be other way around) .

The question might be asked “ what is to be done “ ?

And if not this system then what ?

Should the South Asian community adopt the free for all system that prevails in the Wild West where divorce rates are high.

And the reason for a LOW divorce rate in Pakistan is NOT because every husband and wife are living happily. Anyone who has one iota of honesty in their blood knows that.  The divorce rate would be a lot higher in Pakistan if the women were not economic  slaves of their husbands and the social slaves of the extended families.( and tribes).

I would like to suggest that a two tier filter  application of the ARRANGED MARRIAGE  is probably the best way possible with the elimination of the influence of the “CROCODILES” on the lives of the newly weds.

Oh by Crocodiles I mean the mother In laws and sister in laws who expect this new “ slave” to keep in mind who is the REAL boss !

THAT will be illustrated in the various case reports.

Case # 1.

I am 30 years old mother of 3 and my marriage was arranged by my parents. That in itself is not important but what sort of chances and choices I went through will make interesting reading.

The first boy whose parents asked for my hand in marriage was the brother of my brother in law- (sister’s husband). I did not like my brother in law, as he was a lazy fat person who came from a wealthy family. When I became aware of this approach, I tried to find out as to who this boy was. I found out that he was in America and was studying to be an engineer. Those made me happy as I thought that I would have an educated husband and educated husbands are usually kinder and gentler towards their wives. I also thought that I would get to go to America and thus escape from the shackles of the mother in law and sister in law. I let my dreams run amok. My brother who is in Europe was told by my parents to find out about this boy.

My brother went to see him in Chicago.  My brother had great difficulty finding him at first. Then he finally located him but the boy was unwilling to see my brother. Well, my brother found out where he lived and just went there.

What he found was that this boy was working at two jobs- oh not engineering jobs but at Pizza Hut and at a dry cleaner service shop.

Well, my parents were not too happy to hear that. But the boy got very angry and cancelled the proposal because he said my parents had not trusted his word and checked up on him. I sort of felt bad but took a sigh of relief at having escaped.

A few weeks later another mother of a boy came to see me at my parents house. Well they liked me and asked for my hands in marriage. My parents said they would think about it and reply in a few days. This boy was also in America, in a place called Los Angeles. They told us that he was an engineer who was teaching at the university. He had his own house and car.

My parents called a friend to check and we found that this boy was working as an air-conditioning technician and as a teller in a bank. He did not have a house nor did he have a car. He was living with three of his brothers in a 2 bedroom apartment and the reason they wanted him to get married was because they needed someone to clean the house and cook their meals.

And they also got very angry at being found out. But thank God I again escaped. I thought I was a lackey person. After a few more close encounters of this kind, I got married to my husband who was a major in Pakistan Army in a tank regiment. After we got married, I was told to stay with my mother in law- (and her four sons and their wives). When I wanted to go with my husband I was told that since I was a good looking girl that would create problems in my husband’s job with his senior officers.

After 6 months my husband resigned from the Army and got a civilian job but we still live with his extended family. All my dreams and fantasies of being with my husband alone were dashed.

Of course the greatest shock was yet to come. My husband belongs to this Tableeghee Jumaat and everyday after work he goes for Tableegh and returns at 11 PM or later. When I expressed my concerns I was told that it was a sin to complain about such Islamic work.

So my luck did not turn out to be very good after all. But now I have my children and I am happy to be with them as they are my best friends.

Case # 2

I am 32 years old  , weigh 150 lbs and am 5 feet 11 inches tall .

By profession I am a computer programmer/engineer. I have a very well paying job and make good money. My parents wanted me to get married and since our family is both conservative and religious, arranged marriage was the way to go, I was told.

After we contacted many “ candidate’s” families, their one request was that they wanted to meet me. After I met with them, every time as though someone had thrown cold water over the whole thing and the matters ended.

My parents and I could not understand the reason till one day they decided to ask and they were informed that I “looked” a lot older than my age of 32 and that it was because I was becoming bald in the front part of my head !

Well, what to do. My parents talked with a lot of their friends and one of them was a doctor who advised that I should have a hair transplant like Nawaz Shareef. So far I have spent 53000 dollars on hair transplants and my scalp has some hair though it looks more like some vegetation in a desert !  Finally I got sick of this and decided to use my tech skills and thinking to achieve my goal. I will still use the two FILTER step that arranged marriage provides but I have reversed the order of the filters. So I have started chatting with girls on the matrimonial sites and hopefully I can meet my life’s partner. Once I find the right person, then my parents will look into her family and other stuff-( 2^nd Filter) and if they approve, then I will go ahead and get married.

I think with modernization of the society, the appearance of the girl was very important in selection of candidate for marriage now is equally important in selection of the man for marriage. The use of information technology in this business of arranged marriage is going to play a vital role in the future.

Discussion _

The phenomenon of arranged marriage has been affecting the lives of billions in the South Asian Sub-continent.

I am sure it will continue to do that.

How it will affect the lives of the ex-patriot South Asians in Europe and North America is a topic, which requires great deal of study and research. Suffice it to say that the ghost of arranged marriage will continue to haunt the South Asians for a long time to come.

We will be adding more case reports as well as a detailed discussion as soon as I am able to finish.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 26th, 2009 at 5:13 am and is filed under Articles. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.